2017年02月08日

1級英作文2016-3を書いてみた

英検1級英作文2016-3、「日本で死刑を禁止すべきか?」
英検1級初心者(?)からは「日本語でもそんなの書けない」という声もありましたが、合格常連組は「書きやすいトピックだった(=想定内!)」と言ってます。1級をねらう方、次回は「想定内!」と言えるようになりましょう!!

Fruitful English の日記添削に出したため、じっさいの試験(200-240 words)よりも少し短くなってます(添削前で190、添削後で198 words)。

事前のブレインストーミング(=アイデアだし、超重要!)
賛成の理由の例:
統計上、効果がない(アメリカ)
処罰よりも犯罪がおきないように(犯罪者になるおもな原因は貧困や中途退学だから、貧困対策とか教育とかに力を入れるべき)
無実の人を間違えて死刑にしたら取り返しがつかない

反対の理由の例:
犯罪の抑止力はある(フィリピン)
被害者の家族が望んでいる(もしも自分の家族が、理由もなしに被害にあったら?)
日本の伝統的な価値観(サムライは間違いをおかしたら、命を捨てて責任をとった)

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question;
Should the death penalty be banned in Japan?

あなた(= a cat)の作文
The death penalty is a controversial issue. Some say there is little evidence that capital punishment is effective. In addition, if innocent people (A)were executed, you (B)could not undo the past. In my opinion, however, the death penalty should not be banned in Japan for three main reasons.

First of all, the families of the victims suffer deeply (C). Even though it is impossible to revive their beloved(D), the death penalty gives (E) closure to them. The strongest opponent might change his or her opinion(F), if their child were killed without any (G)reasons.

Also, (H)zero tolerance policy works. For instance, the Philippines (I)have been notorious for their high crime rate. (J)Now, the president is trying to reduce serious crimes, such as murder and drug trafficking. The Drug War seems to be successful in some areas.

Finally, the death penalty is (K)essential part of Japanese culture. Samurai warriors used to commit suicide, so-called Harakiri, if they made mistakes. (L)That showed (M)they fulfilled their responsibilities. Everyone accepted their apologies and forgave them.

In summary, I believe capital punishment is necessary in Japan to comfort the bereaved family, prevent crimes, and maintain our traditional values.

添削結果
The death penalty is a controversial issue. Some say there is little evidence that capital punishment is effective. In addition, if innocent people (A)are executed, you (B)cannot undo the past. In my opinion, however, the death penalty should not be banned in Japan for three main reasons.
*ここは自分でも迷ったところ。実際におこっていることだから、やっぱり直説法ですよね。

First of all, the families of the victims suffer deeply (C) as a result of these crimes. Even though it is impossible to revive their beloved(D) ones, the death penalty gives (E) them closure. The strongest opponent might change his or her opinion(F) if their child were killed without any (G)reasons.

Also, (H)the zero tolerance policy works. For instance, the Philippines (I)has been notorious for their high crime rate. (J)The president is now trying to reduce serious crimes, such as murder and drug trafficking. The Drug War seems to be successful in some areas.
*the zero tolerance policy いっさいの情状酌量をせずに徹底的に取り締まること。 

Finally, the death penalty is (K)an essential part of Japanese culture. Samurai warriors used to commit suicide, so-called Harakiri, if they made mistakes. (L)This showed (M)that they fulfilled their responsibilities. Everyone accepted their apologies and forgave them.
*I blew it! 形容詞(ここでは essential)が名詞の前に入ると、冠詞をわすれがちです。
*指示代名詞 this, that, it の区別がまだよくわかっていません......。


In summary, I believe capital punishment is necessary in Japan to comfort the bereaved family, prevent crimes, and maintain our traditional values.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*それはともかく、今回も先生からのコメントが短くないですか?

From T*****,
Hello there!
*べつに嫌いな先生じゃないんですが......
何曜日の何時ごろにだせば、他の先生にあたりやすいのでしょう?


This is a fantastic essay both in terms of structure and English versatility. Fabulous job! The points you make are very clear and well-argued.
*versatile = having a wide range of different skills and abilities
ホントならうれしいですけどね......。


As you can see, your errors were very minor indeed, and it will be no problem for you to understand them from the revisions. Make sure to use articles for your countable nouns (like "an essential part), and you'll notice a few expressions added to make the English more natural, like "beloved ones".

I hope this helps you - this is fantastic!
posted by a cat at 08:01| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2017年02月02日

準1級英作文2016-3を書いてみた

『英検 1級合格マップ』 シリーズ!?

さて、準1級英作文2016-3の問題が公開されました。省エネでハイスコアをねらいます!
・深い意味のない決まり文句や、有名な表現で120語まで引きのばす(赤字部分)。
・設問の表現を言い換えずにそのまま繰り返す(青字部分)。
・足りない部分は、「DUO 3.0」の表現を借りてくる(緑字部分)。
……という作戦を考えました。

Do you think that the government should provide more support for unemployed people?
Some people say that the government do not have to provide more support for unemployed people. However, I do not think it is a good idea, for two main reasons.

The first reason is that the unemployment rate has risen these days. For example, in many business districts, there are a lot of vacant lots which have been for sale for years. Moreover, competent mechanics used to be in great demand, but they do not earn decent wages anymore.

The second reason is that Donald Trump became the president of the United States. His policy will no doubt lead to dismal consequencesTherefore, more workers may lose their jobs in Japan.

In summary, I think that the Japanese government should provide more support for unemployed people, in order to make this country great again.
(134 words)

【参考】DUO No.25, 28, 30, 33
この答案で準1級の英作文は高得点をとれるにらんでいます。おそらく1級のスピーチも、このまんまでいけるでしょう。つまり、「DUO」しっかりやっとけば OK!

問題はこの作戦が1級の英作文で通用するのか? ...ですが、まあ合格最低点には届くと思います。具体的にどのような答案が書けるか、また時間のあるときに検討してみます。

(追記)
準1級の2次試験では、4コマのストーリーを英語で説明するんですが、対策のポイントが3つあります。
(1) 前半と後半で話の転換があるので、対比をつくる!
ピンチにおちいったけど "Luckily" 助かった...とか。
うまくいくと思ったけど "However" そうはいかなかった...とか。
(2) オンライン英会話などで、対話の練習をしておく!
模擬面接がいちばんですけど、各社の無料体験レッスンのはしごでもなんでもよし。
(3) 自己紹介を練習しておき、笑いをとる!
attitude 点がアップしますし、その後の流れもスムーズになります。
posted by a cat at 12:01| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2017年02月01日

Fruitful English の添削例05

Writing のネタ集めに地道に添削を...というわけで、Fruitful English の添削例(その5)です。日記添削<週2回・600文字以内・週額固定972円(税込)>コースですが、毎週1回1200文字以内・ネイティブ添削・解説なしで提出しています。

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question;
What is the most important invention of the 20th century?

あなた(= a cat)の作文
What is the essential difference between animals and humans? Some say that humans have a complex language(A). Others claim (B_)that they make tools(_B). In my opinion, it is creativity that makes the difference. Today, I am going to write about the most important invention of the 20th century(C) that has changed the world.

I think the greatest invention of (D)the time was the personal computer and the Internet. First of all, computers make life (E)much easier. It has become something of a necessity, and you cannot do without one. For example, you can search (F) and buy books online. Before the advent of the internet, I used to go around (G)book stores to find the book I was looking for – sometimes in vain.

(H)What is more, computers make the world smaller. Up until 20 years ago, it was really expensive to make an international phone call. In addition, (I_)it took many days to send letters by surface mail.(_I) Now you can talk with friends using Skype, no matter where they live. My English teachers(J) live in the US and the UK.

In conclusion, I believe information technology has changed the world in many ways. Therefore, the personal computer(K) with the Internet(L) was the most significant invention of the last century.

添削結果
What is the essential difference between animals and humans? Some say that humans have a complex language(A) for communication. Others claim (B_)that humans make tools, while other beings don't. (_B). In my opinion, it is creativity that makes the difference. Today, I am going to write about the most important invention of the 20th century(C), one that has changed the world.
*(B)は「対比」ですね!

I think the greatest invention of (D)our time was the personal computer and the Internet. First of all, computers make life (E)so much easier. It has become something of a necessity, and you cannot do without one. For example, you can search (F)for and buy books online. Before the advent of the internet, I used to go around (G)bookstores to find the book I was looking for – sometimes in vain.

(H)What's more, computers make the world smaller. Up until 20 years ago, it was really expensive to make an international phone call. In addition, (I_)it used to take many days to send letters by surface mail.(_I) Now you can talk with friends using Skype, no matter where they live. My English teachers(J), for example, live in the US and the UK.

In conclusion, I believe information technology has changed the world in many ways. Therefore, the personal computer(K), along with the Internet(L), was the most significant invention of the last century.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*今回は、いつもより先生からのコメントが短いような気が...

From T*****,
Hello there!
*ホントは、もっといろいろな先生にみてほしいんだけど...

Thank you for your great efforts on your assignment today! This is a fantastic essay about the computer and Internet as a fantastic invention of "our" time!

Your work on English grammar and phrasing is commendable! I've worked to correct your errors and your sentences sound very natural. You will learn a lot from observing the corrections, so please enjoy learning from the revised sentences.

I hope this helps you! As always, it's a nice idea to review the corrected text by reading it out loud, and a few times, to help you become familiar in a written and spoken way, the sentences above!
*内容はともかく、毎週提出をつづけることに意義がある!?
posted by a cat at 00:00| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2017年01月26日

Fruitful English の添削例04

読者いるのか知らんけど...
次回の英検までにまとめることができるように、Writing についてすこしずつネタを増やしていきます。そのためには地道に添削を...というわけで、Fruitful English の添削例(その4)です。日記添削<週2回・600文字以内・週額固定972円(税込)>コースですが、毎週1回1200文字以内・ネイティブ添削・解説なしで提出しています。
解説つきだと半分の600文字以内になってしまうので、解説してもらったことはありません。ですので、解説がどんなものかはわかりません。

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question; How to learn English more effectively?

あなた(= a cat)の作文
The need for English is growing. I believe there must be several ways to learn English more effectively. (A)It requires four skills, namely listening, speaking, reading(B), and writing. (C)They are divided into two categories: input and output.

First of all, (D)Comprehensible input through listening and reading is the key to success. For example, you can listen to podcasts for ESL students. "Voice of America learning English" is one of the most popular programs for beginners. Also, you can read (E)graded readers, which are written with a limited vocabulary. I have enjoyed reading abridged (F)version of classics(G).

Although input is essential to language acquisition, it is not enough to succeed. Output(H) such as speaking and writing(I) is important as well. You should use English as much as possible because (J)a language is a means of communication. For instance, you can exchange messages on (K)SNSs such as Twitter. What is more, you can talk to anyone on Skype, anywhere in the world, for free. Luckily, I have language exchange partners.

To conclude, traditional methods based on grammar (L)has become obsolete. Instead, you should focus on both input and output(M) taking advantage of modern technology.

添削結果
The need for English is growing. I believe there must be several ways to learn English more effectively. (A)We require four skills, namely listening, speaking, reading(B) and writing. (C)These are divided into two categories: input and output.

First of all, (D)comprehensible input through listening and reading is the key to success. For example, you can listen to podcasts for ESL students. "Voice of America learning English" is one of the most popular programs for beginners. Also, you can read (E)so-called graded readers, which are written with a limited vocabulary. I have enjoyed reading abridged (F)versions of classics(G) this way.

Although input is essential to language acquisition, it is not enough to succeed. Output(H), such as speaking and writing(I), is important as well. You should use English as much as possible because (J)a language is a means of communication. For instance, you can exchange messages on (K)SNS, such as Twitter. What is more, you can talk to anyone on Skype, anywhere in the world, for free. Luckily, I have language exchange partners.

To conclude, traditional methods based on grammar (L)have become obsolete. Instead, you should focus on both input and output(M), taking advantage of modern technology.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*今回は単純なミスが多かった。ハンセイ......

From T*****,
Hello!

This is an excellent and very sophisticated essay about the best ways to learn language these days. Fabulous work - your mastery of English is remarkable!

You will see that we did add a few commas here, so let's review these:

In English, as you know, there are several instances that require commas in a sentence. We need a comma after time markers that appear at the beginning of a sentence, like “This year, Today, Yesterday, This morning, Last night, Finally, Usually”, and so on. We also use commas after regular markers like “actually, however, therefore,” and so on. We also use them, as you know, to mark the natural pause in a sentence, say, before moving on to a next sequence of action, or offering a purpose or a reason for something. And let’s not forget that we need to put commas on both ends of descriptive clauses, such as those beginning with “which is” and “who is.”

Also, when we say that "language" is a tool for communication, or something like this we are not using language is a countable sense, so we need to remove the article.

Finally, you'll see at the beginning that I wrote "we require ..." - we is the ideal subject here since it is people who need skills, and not any objects.

I hope this helps you - excellent work!
posted by a cat at 06:00| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2017年01月21日

英作文、あと1日でやれること(補足あり)

恒例の『英検 1級合格マップ』 シリーズ!?
※1級で高得点をねらっている方には役にたちませんので、ご注意を。
※これの前の記事「準1級英作文のギリギリ合格ってどのレベル?」もなにかの役にたつかもです。

英検まであと1日、配点が大きくなった英作文でやれることは何か? 英作文を(より短い時間で仕上げてかつ)得点源にできれば、現行方式ではめちゃめちゃ有利。たとえ書き上げる練習をする時間がないとしても、アイデア(理由2つとか3つ)を思いつく練習だけでもしておいたほうがいい。
ポイントは2段階あり、
1) ネタが思いつくかどうか?
2) それを(シンプルな)英語で表現できるかどうか?


英検英作文のネタ出し例:
たとえば「英検1級合格マップ」 p.80- を題材に、筆者とは逆の観点から考えてみると......
Topic 01
Do multinational corporations play a positive role in today’s world?
いいえ。
理由1:貧富の差を拡大している。
(具体例)コーヒーやバナナなどのプランテーション農業
理由2:一部の巨大企業が大きな影響力をもちすぎている。
(具体例)エネルギー、情報
理由3:巨大企業の成長は持続可能ではない。
(具体例)自動車→二酸化炭素排出、大規模農業→森林破壊

万能表現の研究1:
The gap between the rich and the poor keeps growing.
貧富の差は拡大しつづけています。
In other words, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
言い換えれば、豊かな人はますます豊かに、貧しい人はますます貧しくなっているのです。

万能表現(or 万能理由、万能解決策)っていうのは、一次でも二次でもいろいろなトピックにつかえるよ。
万能表現の研究2:
I think the problem is lack of communication.
問題(トラブルの原因)はコミュニケーションの不足だと思います。
例1:
歴史教育にもっと力を入れるべきですか?
Yes. (日本とアジアの国々との)トラブルの原因はコミュニケーションの不足です。お互いに言語を学びあって、交流すべきです。
例2:
テロはどうすればなくなりますか?
原因のひとつはコミュニケーションの不足です。以下おなじ。
例3:
日本は移民を受け入れるべきですか?
Yes. コミュニケーションの不足からトラブルがおこる可能性がありますが、お互いの言語を学んで理解をするのが大事です。
「おい、ぜんぶそれかよ!?」ってことね。

万能表現の研究3:
I think the problem is government spending.
問題は政府の支出だと思います。
なにか問題が起きていたら、それは全部政府のせいだ!ということにしてしまうんだよ。......で、政府は無駄使い(高速道路とか、オリンピック会場の建設)をやめて、教育とか環境とか○○問題とかの解決にもっとお金を使うべきです。
......みたいにゃ感じね。

ご健闘をお祈りいたします!
posted by a cat at 10:00| Comment(2) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする