2017年07月16日

TOEFL W 添削その1

これまで約半年間 Fruitful English(日記添削)に取り組んできました。返却が速くて値段もおてごろですが、日記添削コースでは、文法や表現についてのコメントばかりで、全体の構成についてのコメントがないのが不満でした。

全体の構成も見てほしいので、あらたに TOEFL Writing にむけて学習をはじめます。Fruitful English では、なぜか日本人講師しか指定できません。......というわけで、ちょっと値段が高いのですが、リバティ ライティング ラボの TOEFL-iBT コースをはじめます。第1回の Integrated はこんな感じでした。文法・語法の添削だけではなく、全体の構成についてもコメントがあります。
※文法・語法の修正は赤字。その他のコメントは青字。問題(文章と音声)と、答案の原文は省略しています。

Corrected:
The author argues that the number of wild bison in North American plains declined sharply due to the European colonization. The speaker, however, claims that this theory does not necessarily provide the explanation.

This was a good introduction. We use ‘the’ in front of a noun to talk about a number of people as a group, like ‘the elderly, or ‘the Japanese’. ‘European’ is an adjective in phrases like, ‘European democracy’, ‘European trading partner’, etc.

Corrected:
The author of the written passage states that there are three reasons buffalo populations declined: overhunting, the use of modern weapons, and the westward expansion of settlements. First, the Europeans hunted the bison not for survival but for the commercialized fur business. This had a large impact on bison numbers. Second, the European settlers used modern weapons. Native Americans hunted the animal with spears and short-range arrows, which were not so accurate. On the other hand, the bison were not able to escape accurate, long-range weapons such as guns. Finally, the Europeans moved westward with their domestic animals including cattle and horses. They needed large areas to graze. Therefore, the bison had less and less access to the grasslands.

The speaker presents a different point of view. First, although Europeans first settled on the East Coast and later moved westward, the decrease in the numbers of bison started from the west. Second, it may be true that the use of modern weapons is a part of the near extinction of the animal but Native Americans also improved their hunting techniques and weapons. Finally, cattle and horses adapted only to moderate climates. The bison could have survived in northern prairies where the climate is too harsh for cows and horses. (211 words)

Grammatically, you did a good summarizing the main points in the reading and listening.

However, you can change how you talk about the main points in the lecture so the argument clearer. Writing about each point separately makes it easier to understand how the lecture is a counter argument to the reading.

In both the reading and the listening, each point was presented separately. You should do the same in your essay. There are three points: ‘overhunting, the use of modern weapons, and the westward expansion of settlements’. So you should have an introduction, and three paragraphs each about a different point.

Here’s an example using your ideas, but I changed the structure:


First, the speaker argues that Europeans did not overhunt bison. Although people from Europe first settled on the East Coast and later moved westward, the decrease in the number of bison started in the west. If Europeans were responsible for the decline, the decrease in bison would have followed them when they moved east to west.

Second, the speaker does not believe that European weapons caused the number of bison to fall. Although European guns were more powerful than Native people’s weapons at first, the Native Americans also improved their hunting techniques, bows and arrows. Improvements like these would have increased the number of bison that were hunted.

Finally, the speaker challenges the idea that European cows and horses took the bison’s land. According to the lecture, bison can survive in a harsher environment that cows and horses cannot live in. This contradicts the passage’s claim that livestock moving westward caused the number of bison to decline.

Dear Mr. I am a cat,

For your next essay, try to talk about each point separately. The essay question started with ‘summarize the main points of the lecture’, so I focused my essay on the lecture, and how the lecture is different than the speech. When you compare and contrast the arguments, try using transition words and phrases like, ‘however’, ‘in contrast’, ‘while’ and ‘although’.

S*****


Independent の添削につきましては、別の entry でご紹介する予定です。
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