2017年04月01日

Fruitful for Eiken pre1

Writing のネタ集めに地道に添削を...というわけで、Fruitful English の添削です。改訂された『7日間完成 英検準1級予想問題ドリル』が題材、模範解答は参考にしていません。

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question;
Should Internet bullying be strictly prohibited? (1st day)

あなた(= a cat)の作文
Now that the Internet has become a central part of our lives, we cannot do without it. Unfortunately, everything has its bad points. As more and more people use SNS, online harassment has emerged as a big problem. Sadly, several high school students (A) committed suicide (B_)because of(_B) cyberbullying. However, I do not think that Internet bullying should be strictly prohibited, for two main reasons.

To begin with, the Internet has no central control. It is all the more valuable because you can (C) exchange opinions and share (D_)information freely.(_D) Also, freedom of speech is guaranteed by the (E_)Constitution of Japan.(_E) (F_)Once government censorship begins, no one can stop abusing it.(_F)

What's more, Internet users can defend themselves. Schools teach reading and (G_)writing, which is called literacy.(_G) (H_)In addition to it, they should teach how to use the Internet effectively and properly, the so-called "information literacy."(_H) You can stop bullying through mutual understanding.

In summary, I do not think that the Internet should be controlled by the (I_)government to reduce Internet bullying.(_I) Instead, (J_)you can solve(_J) the problem (K_)(_K) education. (L_)Information literacy should be added to school curriculum.(_L)

添削結果
Now that the Internet has become a central part of our lives, we cannot do without it. Unfortunately, everything has its bad points. As more and more people use SNS, online harassment has emerged as a big problem. Sadly, several high school students (A)have committed suicide (B_)due to(_B) cyberbullying. However, I do not think that Internet bullying should be strictly prohibited, for two main reasons.
*(A) 悲しいけど、過去のことではないのですね……。

To begin with, the Internet has no central control. It is all the more valuable because you can (C)freely exchange opinions and share (D_)information.(_D) Also, freedom of speech is guaranteed by the (E_)Japanese constitution.(_E) (F_)If the government starts censoring things, nothing can stop them from abusing the power.(_F)

What's more, Internet users can defend themselves. Schools teach reading and (G_)writing. This is called literacy.(_G) (H_)They should also teach children how to use technology and the Internet effectively and properly. This is referred to as “digital literacy” and “information literacy.”(_H) You can stop bullying through mutual understanding.

In summary, I do not think that the Internet should be controlled by the (I_)government, even for something as seemingly positive as reducing Internet bullying.(_I) Instead, (J_)(_J) the problem (K_)should be solved through(_K) education. (L_)Digital and information literacy should be added to school curriculums.(_L)
*(K) "with" education と書いたつもりだったけど、なぜか抜けていた! おっさんミス!?

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

From J******,
Hello Mr. I am a cat.
Excellent essay here!
Very well written, with valid points and strong examples.
I agree with you 100%!

Please let me comment on "digital literacy" vs. "information literacy".
Both are valid phrases.
"Digital literacy" is the successor to "computer literacy" and includes it.
"Information literacy" is not restricted to technology.
Both seemed to fit here, so I included both in my corrections.
For more information on digital literacy, please see this website:
What Is Digital Literacy?
*知らなかったにゃー……。もはや、たんに「情報リテラシー」じゃないのね。

Additionally, as a side note, you no longer have to capitalize "internet".
It is perfectly fine to still do so, but it is now "officially acceptable" to leave it uncapitalized.
*これも気がつかなかった……(問題冊子の設問が大文字でしたね)。

I hope this helps.
posted by a cat at 10:00| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
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