2017年02月15日

1級英作文、逆の立場からも書いてみた

英検1級英作文2016-3、「日本で死刑を禁止すべきか?」
前回は禁止反対の立場から書いたので、今度は賛成の立場から。両方から書いてみるのは、いい練習になるでしょう!!

Fruitful English の日記添削に出したため、じっさいの試験(200-240 words)よりも少し短めになってます(202 words)。

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question;
Should the death penalty be banned in Japan?

あなた(= a cat)の作文
We have had (A_)a lot of debates about the death penalty(_A). Supporters say that it is the best way to prevent serious crimes. In my view, however, the death penalty should be banned in Japan(B) for three main reasons.

To begin with, misjudgments cannot be avoided. DNA testing has (C)proved that some (D)of the prisoners are innocent. Once innocent people are executed by mistake, there is no way to revive them. (E_)The tragedy happens, which must be remembered so as not to be repeated.(_E)

Apart from misjudgments, there is little evidence that the death penalty is (F)effective (G)to reduce crimes. In fact, the crime rate has been declining steadily in Europe after capital punishment was abolished. On the contrary, mass killings occur in the U.S.(H), although (I)the murderers are executed.

In addition, you should not misunderstand the cause of the issue. Juvenile delinquency is on the (J)increase in big cities. I think the (K)problem is poverty. The government should place greater importance on supporting the poor, rather than (L) punishing the criminals.

In summary, I believe that the death penalty should be abolished in Japan. Instead, we should spend more money (M)on helping the poor, which will no doubt lower (N)the crime rate.

添削結果
We have had (A_)many debates about the death penalty in society today(_A). Supporters say that it is the best way to prevent serious crimes. In my view, however, the death penalty should be banned in Japan(B), for three main reasons.

To begin with, misjudgments cannot be avoided. DNA testing has (C)proven that some (D) prisoners are innocent. Once innocent people are executed by mistake, there is no way to revive them. (E_)The Tragedies happen, and we must remember these so they are not repeated.(_E)

Apart from misjudgments, there is little evidence that the death penalty is (F)actually effective (G)in reducing the number of crimes. In fact, the crime rate has been declining steadily in Europe after capital punishment was abolished. On the contrary, mass killings occur in the U.S.(H), although (I) the murderers are executed.

In addition, you should not misunderstand the cause of the issue. Juvenile delinquency is on the (J)rise in big cities. I think the (K)main problem is poverty. The government should place greater importance on supporting the poor, rather than (L)on punishing the criminals.

In summary, I believe that the death penalty should be abolished in Japan. Instead, we should spend more money (M)on helping the poor, which will no doubt lower (N)crime rates.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*やっぱり、先生からのコメントのあっさり感......。

From T*****,
Hello there!

What a well-constructed essay on the death penalty - you did a wonderful job!

Your work on English grammar and phrasing is commendable! I've worked to correct your errors and your sentences sound very natural. You will learn a lot from observing the corrections, so please enjoy learning from the revised sentences.
*(E)の後半と(J)は「DUO の例文どおり」に書いて直されてますね。まあ、まちがいではないんでしょうが。

One thing I wanted to point out is that we need to pluralize when referring to a noun in a general sense, like "crime rates"!
*「冠詞なし+複数形」で referring to a noun in a general sense は知ってるけど、「the+単数」で書くときもあるよね? ちがいがまったくわからにゃーい!

I hope this helps you! As always, it's a nice idea to review the corrected text by reading it out loud, and a few times, to help you become familiar in a written and spoken way, the sentences above!
*いろいろ考えてみたけど......結局は平凡でしたか? 反対したときの方ができがよかった気がするにゃん。
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