2017年02月09日

日記の添削例

エッセイばかり公開していて飽きちゃったので、ちょっと前(1月)の分ですけど、たまには日記らしい添削の雰囲気をご紹介。
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and events are the products of the author's imagination.

あなた(= a cat)の作文
During (A) New Year's holidays, Japanese people have a custom to visit shrines. I went to a local shrine on January 2nd. (B_)First of all, I prayed(_B) for good luck in business. After that, I prayed for one more thing − world peace. I feel (C) I am lucky because I was born in Japan, which is one of the safest countries in the world.

I heard a lot of sad news last year. For example, there is a civil war (D_)(_D) in Syria. The country is divided into several groups. They fight each other. Many people (E) lost their houses. Some men (F) become soldiers to defend their (G)hometown. Even women and children (H_)were(_H) killed by (I)the air strikes. I do not understand why innocent people have to die.

However, I have a glimmer of hope. More than 70 years ago, Japan and the US fought a bloody war. Millions of people were killed. Despite a lot of difficulties, President Barack Obama visited Hiroshima, where (J) atomic bomb was dropped. In response, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe visited Pearl Harbor, where Japan made a surprise attack. Both leaders showed (K) we have overcome (L_)hatred.(_L)

I have a dream. One day, children from all over the world will become friends. All wars and conflicts will end. I believe it is possible(M) because love trumps hate.

添削結果
During (A)the New Year's holidays, Japanese people have a custom to visit shrines. I went to a local shrine on January 2nd. (B_)I started off by praying(_B) for good luck in business. After that, I prayed for one more thing − world peace. I feel (C)that I am lucky because I was born in Japan, which is one of the safest countries in the world.

I heard a lot of sad news last year. For example, there is a civil war (D_)going on(_D) in Syria. The country is divided into several groups. They fight each other. Many people (E)have lost their houses. Some men (F)have become soldiers to defend their (G)hometowns. Even women and children (H_)have been(_H) killed by (I) the air strikes. I do not understand why innocent people have to die.

However, I have a glimmer of hope. More than 70 years ago, Japan and the US fought a bloody war. Millions of people were killed. Despite a lot of difficulties, President Barack Obama visited Hiroshima, where (J)an atomic bomb was dropped. In response, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe visited Pearl Harbor, where Japan made a surprise attack. Both leaders showed (K)that we have overcome (L_)our hatred for each other.(_L)

I have a dream. One day, children from all over the world will become friends. All wars and conflicts will end. I believe it is possible(M), because love trumps hate.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*......とはいえ、ネイティブの書いた英文とは何かが決定的に違っているといつも感じてます。

From J******,
*いつもと違う先生です!

Hello Mr. I am a cat.
Very inspiring entry here!
I agree 100% with all that you said!
I hope it comes true.
Please let me comment on (B) and (L) a little.
In both cases, what you wrote was OK.
However, for (B), using "first of all" here feels a little unnatural.
You could have said "the first thing I prayed for", but "I started off by praying for" felt the most natural.
For (L), "hatred" is fine.
However, using "our hatred for each other" is more detailed and gives off a stronger meaning.
I hope this helps.
posted by a cat at 00:00| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
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