2017年02月08日

1級英作文2016-3を書いてみた

英検1級英作文2016-3、「日本で死刑を禁止すべきか?」
英検1級初心者(?)からは「日本語でもそんなの書けない」という声もありましたが、合格常連組は「書きやすいトピックだった(=想定内!)」と言ってます。1級をねらう方、次回は「想定内!」と言えるようになりましょう!!

Fruitful English の日記添削に出したため、じっさいの試験(200-240 words)よりも少し短くなってます(添削前で190、添削後で198 words)。

事前のブレインストーミング(=アイデアだし、超重要!)
賛成の理由の例:
統計上、効果がない(アメリカ)
処罰よりも犯罪がおきないように(犯罪者になるおもな原因は貧困や中途退学だから、貧困対策とか教育とかに力を入れるべき)
無実の人を間違えて死刑にしたら取り返しがつかない

反対の理由の例:
犯罪の抑止力はある(フィリピン)
被害者の家族が望んでいる(もしも自分の家族が、理由もなしに被害にあったら?)
日本の伝統的な価値観(サムライは間違いをおかしたら、命を捨てて責任をとった)

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question;
Should the death penalty be banned in Japan?

あなた(= a cat)の作文
The death penalty is a controversial issue. Some say there is little evidence that capital punishment is effective. In addition, if innocent people (A)were executed, you (B)could not undo the past. In my opinion, however, the death penalty should not be banned in Japan for three main reasons.

First of all, the families of the victims suffer deeply (C). Even though it is impossible to revive their beloved(D), the death penalty gives (E) closure to them. The strongest opponent might change his or her opinion(F), if their child were killed without any (G)reasons.

Also, (H)zero tolerance policy works. For instance, the Philippines (I)have been notorious for their high crime rate. (J)Now, the president is trying to reduce serious crimes, such as murder and drug trafficking. The Drug War seems to be successful in some areas.

Finally, the death penalty is (K)essential part of Japanese culture. Samurai warriors used to commit suicide, so-called Harakiri, if they made mistakes. (L)That showed (M)they fulfilled their responsibilities. Everyone accepted their apologies and forgave them.

In summary, I believe capital punishment is necessary in Japan to comfort the bereaved family, prevent crimes, and maintain our traditional values.

添削結果
The death penalty is a controversial issue. Some say there is little evidence that capital punishment is effective. In addition, if innocent people (A)are executed, you (B)cannot undo the past. In my opinion, however, the death penalty should not be banned in Japan for three main reasons.
*ここは自分でも迷ったところ。実際におこっていることだから、やっぱり直説法ですよね。

First of all, the families of the victims suffer deeply (C) as a result of these crimes. Even though it is impossible to revive their beloved(D) ones, the death penalty gives (E) them closure. The strongest opponent might change his or her opinion(F) if their child were killed without any (G)reasons.

Also, (H)the zero tolerance policy works. For instance, the Philippines (I)has been notorious for their high crime rate. (J)The president is now trying to reduce serious crimes, such as murder and drug trafficking. The Drug War seems to be successful in some areas.
*the zero tolerance policy いっさいの情状酌量をせずに徹底的に取り締まること。 

Finally, the death penalty is (K)an essential part of Japanese culture. Samurai warriors used to commit suicide, so-called Harakiri, if they made mistakes. (L)This showed (M)that they fulfilled their responsibilities. Everyone accepted their apologies and forgave them.
*I blew it! 形容詞(ここでは essential)が名詞の前に入ると、冠詞をわすれがちです。
*指示代名詞 this, that, it の区別がまだよくわかっていません......。


In summary, I believe capital punishment is necessary in Japan to comfort the bereaved family, prevent crimes, and maintain our traditional values.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*それはともかく、今回も先生からのコメントが短くないですか?

From T*****,
Hello there!
*べつに嫌いな先生じゃないんですが......
何曜日の何時ごろにだせば、他の先生にあたりやすいのでしょう?


This is a fantastic essay both in terms of structure and English versatility. Fabulous job! The points you make are very clear and well-argued.
*versatile = having a wide range of different skills and abilities
ホントならうれしいですけどね......。


As you can see, your errors were very minor indeed, and it will be no problem for you to understand them from the revisions. Make sure to use articles for your countable nouns (like "an essential part), and you'll notice a few expressions added to make the English more natural, like "beloved ones".

I hope this helps you - this is fantastic!
posted by a cat at 08:01| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
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