2017年02月01日

Fruitful English の添削例05

Writing のネタ集めに地道に添削を...というわけで、Fruitful English の添削例(その5)です。日記添削<週2回・600文字以内・週額固定972円(税込)>コースですが、毎週1回1200文字以内・ネイティブ添削・解説なしで提出しています。

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question;
What is the most important invention of the 20th century?

あなた(= a cat)の作文
What is the essential difference between animals and humans? Some say that humans have a complex language(A). Others claim (B_)that they make tools(_B). In my opinion, it is creativity that makes the difference. Today, I am going to write about the most important invention of the 20th century(C) that has changed the world.

I think the greatest invention of (D)the time was the personal computer and the Internet. First of all, computers make life (E)much easier. It has become something of a necessity, and you cannot do without one. For example, you can search (F) and buy books online. Before the advent of the internet, I used to go around (G)book stores to find the book I was looking for – sometimes in vain.

(H)What is more, computers make the world smaller. Up until 20 years ago, it was really expensive to make an international phone call. In addition, (I_)it took many days to send letters by surface mail.(_I) Now you can talk with friends using Skype, no matter where they live. My English teachers(J) live in the US and the UK.

In conclusion, I believe information technology has changed the world in many ways. Therefore, the personal computer(K) with the Internet(L) was the most significant invention of the last century.

添削結果
What is the essential difference between animals and humans? Some say that humans have a complex language(A) for communication. Others claim (B_)that humans make tools, while other beings don't. (_B). In my opinion, it is creativity that makes the difference. Today, I am going to write about the most important invention of the 20th century(C), one that has changed the world.
*(B)は「対比」ですね!

I think the greatest invention of (D)our time was the personal computer and the Internet. First of all, computers make life (E)so much easier. It has become something of a necessity, and you cannot do without one. For example, you can search (F)for and buy books online. Before the advent of the internet, I used to go around (G)bookstores to find the book I was looking for – sometimes in vain.

(H)What's more, computers make the world smaller. Up until 20 years ago, it was really expensive to make an international phone call. In addition, (I_)it used to take many days to send letters by surface mail.(_I) Now you can talk with friends using Skype, no matter where they live. My English teachers(J), for example, live in the US and the UK.

In conclusion, I believe information technology has changed the world in many ways. Therefore, the personal computer(K), along with the Internet(L), was the most significant invention of the last century.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*今回は、いつもより先生からのコメントが短いような気が...

From T*****,
Hello there!
*ホントは、もっといろいろな先生にみてほしいんだけど...

Thank you for your great efforts on your assignment today! This is a fantastic essay about the computer and Internet as a fantastic invention of "our" time!

Your work on English grammar and phrasing is commendable! I've worked to correct your errors and your sentences sound very natural. You will learn a lot from observing the corrections, so please enjoy learning from the revised sentences.

I hope this helps you! As always, it's a nice idea to review the corrected text by reading it out loud, and a few times, to help you become familiar in a written and spoken way, the sentences above!
*内容はともかく、毎週提出をつづけることに意義がある!?
posted by a cat at 00:00| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
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