2017年01月17日

Fruitful English の添削例02

少なくともひとりは読んでくださった方がおられたので、Fruitful English の添削例(その2)です。日記添削<週2回・600文字以内・週額固定972円(税込)>コースですが、毎週1回1200文字以内(およそ 200 words とちょっと)・ネイティブ添削・解説なしで提出しています。

You(= a cat) wrote :
I tried to answer the question;
In many Japanese universities, students have to take gym classes. Do you think gym classes are important for university students?
(設問は『英検2級予想問題ドリル 新試験対応版』からです)
 
あなた(= a cat)の作文
In many Japanese universities, students have to take gym classes. It seems that no one has (A)doubt about (B)it. In my opinion, however, not all university students need to take physical education courses(C_). There are two reasons.(_C)

First of all, the purpose of higher education is not to train your body, but to improve your (D)mind power. It might be true that college sports, such as baseball, rugby and "ekiden," or long-distance relay (E)race are so popular in Japan. (F)But (G)it does not mean that all students go to college to become athletes. If you want to exercise for your health, you can do it in your free time.

(H)What is more, some people argues that the education system should put more focus on practical subjects. As the world is (I)globalized, the need for English is growing. Compared to other countries, Japanese students have much lower skills in English. To maintain competitiveness in the world, Japanese universities should (J)put more importance on English rather than physical education.

In summary, Japanese college students (K)do not have to take gym classes as compulsory subjects. Instead, they should learn practical subjects such as English (L)to be highly competitive players in the global market.

添削結果
In many Japanese universities, students have to take gym classes. It seems that no one has (A)any doubt about (B)this. In my opinion, however, not all university students need to take physical education courses(C_), for two main reasons. (_C)

First of all, the purpose of higher education is not to train your body, but to improve your (D)mental power. It might be true that college sports, such as baseball, rugby and "ekiden," or long-distance relay (E)races are so popular in Japan. (F)However, (G)this does not mean that all students go to college to become athletes. If you want to exercise for your health, you can do it in your free time.

(H)What's more, some people argues that the education system should put more focus on practical subjects. As the world is (I)now globalized, the need for English is growing. Compared to other countries, Japanese students have much lower skills in English. To maintain competitiveness in the world, Japanese universities should (J)place more importance on English rather than physical education.

In summary, Japanese college students (K)should not have to take gym classes as compulsory subjects. Instead, they should learn practical subjects such as English (L)in order to become highly competitive players in the global market.

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

From T*****,
Hello there!
*これまでの添削のうち、およそ半分がこの先生という印象です。

You've done a really good job on your assignment today - it's a great essay, brilliantly argued.

Excellent work on your natural phrasing, structure and grammar. I've worked to correct your errors and your sentences sound very natural. You will learn a lot from observing the corrections, so please enjoy learning from the revised sentences.

Let's just note that it's ideal to end your introduction with a longer sentence, as I created above; and rather than "mind" power, we usually use an adjective and refer to mental power; and let's not use "but", the conjunction, at the beginning of the sentence; "however" is a perfect replacement, and we use "but" as a conjunction after a comma.

I hope this helps you! As always, it's a nice idea to review the corrected text by reading it out loud, and a few times, to help you become familiar in a written and spoken way, the sentences above!
posted by a cat at 22:00| Comment(0) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
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