2016年12月29日

Fruitful English の添削例01

毎月すくなくとも一回は更新するということで。
いま話題の本でも紹介されていた Fruitful English の添削例をご紹介いたします。日記添削<週2回・600文字以内・週額固定972円(税込)>コースですが、毎週1回1200文字以内(およそ 200 words とちょっと)・ネイティブ添削・解説なしで提出しています。

あなた(= a cat)の作文
Yesterday, I met a Romanian for the first time in my life. He was a substitute teacher (A)of my English class. I searched for information (B) in advance(C_) because I am not familiar with Romania.(_C)

(D)Most famous Romanian in Japan is Nadia Comaneci. She was the first gymnast (E)who scored perfect 10's. In 1976, when I was an elementary school boy, I watched (F_)gymnastics at the Olympic Games on TV(_F). Gymnastics (G)are one of the national sports in Japan. I rooted for our representatives. However, her performance was so outstanding that my eyes were glued on her. She was called (H)a fairy from Romania.

The second most famous Romanian might be Vlad the Impaler. Although you might not (I)hear of him, you must know the story of Count Dracula. The vampire count Dracula is a fictional character based on Vlad the Impaler. When I was a small child, I watched the legend of the vampire Dracula on TV. At that time, I was so naive that I became afraid of vampires. I kept garlic in my room because I believed it was the best way to keep them away(J).

The substitute teacher said his hometown is known for its beautiful nature(K) and it is near (L)the Dracula's castle. I want to visit the castle someday. I am not so naïve anymore!

添削結果
Yesterday, I met a Romanian for the first time in my life. He was a substitute teacher (A)in my English class. I searched for information (B)about Romania in advance(C_), because I am not familiar with the country.(_C)

(D) The most famous Romanian in Japan is Nadia Comaneci. She was the first gymnast (E)to score perfect 10's. In 1976, when I was an elementary school boy, I watched (F_)Olympics gymnastics on TV(_F). Gymnastics (G)is one of the national sports in Japan. I rooted for our representatives. However, her performance was so outstanding that my eyes were glued on her. She was called (H)the fairy from Romania.

The second most famous Romanian might be Vlad the Impaler. Although you might not (I)have heard of him, you must know the story of Count Dracula. The vampire count Dracula is a fictional character based on Vlad the Impaler. When I was a small child, I watched the legend of the vampire Dracula on TV. At that time, I was so naive that I became afraid of vampires. I kept garlic in my room because I believed it was the best way to keep them away(J)!

The substitute teacher said his hometown is known for its beautiful nature(K), and it is near (L) Dracula's castle. I want to visit the castle someday. I am not so naïve anymore!

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
*ちょっとおおげさですね。

You(= a cat) wrote :
Romania may be the most beautiful country in Europe.
 
From T*****,
Hello there!
*この先生、いつも提出から半日以内に返却という印象です。

Thank you for a fascinating diary introducing Romania, which I also know very little about! – thank you so much for writing it and for sharing it! Now, let's go over a few things as they have been revised above, though this is excellently written.

First, we do things, including having teachers, "in" our classes.

Also, don't forget your countable nouns, like "the" most famous Romanian (person); and it would be most natural to refer to Olympics gymnastics, to write most efficiently.
*Oops! I made a mistake.

Now, note that gymnastics is actually conjugated for the singular, because we mean "the gymnastics event" at the Olympics.
*conjugate 活用[変化]させる

Finally, Dracula is a proper noun, like your own name, so it doesn't require an article to qualify it!
*proper noun = 固有名詞

I hope this helps you - great work!

I hope this helps! You should be proud of yourself for making great efforts. One tip is to read the corrected version over a few times, especially out loud and to yourself, and this will help you reach new levels of familiarity with the natural flow of English!
posted by a cat at 21:00| Comment(2) | Writing | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
この記事へのコメント
人が書いたエッセイを読むのは学びが多いですね。
シェアしていただきありがとうございます。

PS.この添削をしたのは、T先生でしょうか。
Posted by yoma at 2016年12月30日 13:26
コメントありがとうございます!
いや〜ホントに読んでくださる方がおられるとは想定外でした......

たしかに添削はT先生です。半日どころか数時間で返ってくるときもあって、ビックリです。今後もまじめに書いて、ときどきアップしていく予定です。
Posted by a cat at 2016年12月30日 22:32
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